I apologize for the delay in getting this latest post done, it has been a challenge to find the words and the energy to try and properly sum up what I am experiencing.
I am exhausted yet I have trouble resting, it is a mean double edged sword. My body wants to sleep, to push this all out of myself and wake up refreshed yet I lay there, unable to fall asleep, instead blankly staring at whatever surface is in my field of vision.
It has been a few days since cycle one, week one has completed, I received my fifth dose late Friday night/early Saturday morning. The job of the body is to now flush out all the nastiness, bring the blood levels back up and prepare for cycle two to have its turn.
There are definitely days when it is hard to feel strong and stay strong, I was aware this was going to be a fight, but it is going to be a tougher one that I originally anticipated.
And then I got a good piece of advice this week and I wanted to include it here;
"I think the hardest thing people who have a strong work ethic have to do is to allow themselves to rest. We push ourselves over and through our illnesses to keep doing doing doing and to be productive that we do ourselves a disservice. Even in our play and recreation we go for it and push hard. I have to remind myself that it is OK to occasionally sit on my deck with a book, or to sit and stare at trees with a cat asleep on my lap. As I get older it is easier and easier to do this without feeling guilt, like there is "something I SHOULD be doing", like it is not acceptable to just sit. Brian, you are going to feel like crap. Just allow yourself to feel like crap and know that you are going to get through it. Sit, breathe and find your center and remember it is OK to sit. Your body is doing enough. Take the time to really listen to the lyrics of your favorite songs. In the spring listen to the birds. Listen to the drip of water as the snow melts. Hear spring. Sometimes life is so noisy we miss these things..."