Monday, October 17, 2011

The Ugly Truth

I know I have been kind of silent the last couple of months in regards to my experiences but I will not apoogize for that. I have had the same thought playing in my mind the whole time, I have just struggled with the tone and the words to express it.
More than anything else since starting this blog many people have stated they have appreciated my honesty when speaking about my disease. Hopefully they will still appreciate it as my perspective has been shifting. For many months I found humor in what I am going through, laughter is the best medicine right? The thing is, I'm not laughing as much anymore.
The truth is, cancer is an ugly disease.
So often I hear "you're an inspiration" or "you're someone people can really look up to". If this is what it takes, I don't want to be a rolemodel, I don't want to be an inspiration. To be those things I have to be "the guy with cancer" and trust me, it is not all it is cracked up to be.
In the cancer community they talk about getting used to a "new normal". Personally, I liked my old normal. I liked not having toxic chemicals pumped into my body that will stay in my system for up to 15 years. I enjoyed being able to look in the mirror and not seeing a nearly foot long scar running down the center of my body. Being able to ride 100 miles on my bike beat the hell out of getting winded and having to sit and rest while trying to walk a mile. Full feeling in my extremeties and excellent coordination and balance was far more preferable when compared to the never ending numbness/pins and needles feeling in my arms and legs and the stagger to my gait and the balance issues I now have.
Yes, make no mistake about it, I am complaining but I think I have earned the right to do that at least once. I may keep a brave face on but it doesn't mean I am not angry about my situation and I think anyone dealing with cancer will tell you the same.
I know that in the long run I will learn a great deal about myself from this experience, truth be told I look forward to it, and I want to be able to do something positive to give back to others going through the same.
But today I am angry and that will have to be ok because that is the best I can manage.