I refuse to lay down.
I will not throw in the towel.
I am not taking my ball and going home.
I will not quit.
Cancer has been one of the most influential teachers I have had in my life. The greatest lesson I have learned is that attitude is everything. If I say "I'm going to have a bad day today" I will most certainly have a bad day. If I let myself believe I am too tired to get off the couch my head will stay on the pillow and my feet will never touch the floor.
A month ago I got dropped by my cycling group when we reached the fast section on the route and I had to fight to catch back up to them and finish the ride. A day ago I got out alone on a breakaway at the same section and they had to chase me down and pull me back. I do not mention this to be boastful (truth be told, they did catch me, but I relished the period I was in the lead), I use this to remind myself to never quit, to not stop trying, to keep reminding cancer who is in charge. Attitude is everything.
When I lost my hair I embraced not having to shave or get haircuts. When chemotherapy robbed me of my palate I welcomed the opportunity to try new foods and flavor combinations. In a few weeks it will be time for surgery and I know it is going to knock me down. But when surgery knocks me down, I will get back up, come back stronger and dare cancer to try and push me down again.
I refuse to simply exist. Life is meant to be lived, that is my attitude.
...and attitude is everything.
My husband's oldest brother got it in his head he had to climb Giant Mountain and next thing I know there are 5 of us doing the 2.5 mile 3000 foot ascent to the top of one of New York State's High Peaks. I now have a bum knee but though I was pushing through it and still getting to my workouts and was in shape. Until the other 4 people (my husband, our 16 year old son and 2 of his siblings) are having to wait for me on a regular basis. I told them to just go on ahead, it was worse having them wait and then take off as soon as I caught up. I was feeling pretty down on myself. I have this image of "outdoors girl" and it was very hard to see people I though were less fit blow by me. A couple of crying jags later I was 0.1 mi from the top and I had been hiking alone for about a hour and I had to scrabble a 40 foot rock face, the "grunt" as the guide book called it. I wanted to just give up and feel the defeat but I thought of you and I didn't stop. In the end, long story short, I decided to take the attitude that I actually made it up (only 15 minutes after the rest of the group) and I am now training harder for the next climb. My job has become a bit like the mountain but I have decided to hit the new school year determined to be in control and calm and enjoy myself. Gotta look around the mountain and enjoy the view, otherwise, what is the point??
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